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Posted on Mar 28, 2011 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: I Love You Means Not Having To Say I’m Sorry… After I Kick You In The Balls.

If I offered you an all expenses paid trip to San Francisco, would you take it?

Yes? Well, there’s a catch.  As soon as your feet touch one of the many hills that, “Fog City,” has to offer, I would then instruct you to close your eyes, throw your hands up in the air and just start running. I’m convinced that this is the next best thing when it comes to experiencing that gut wrenching feeling of being on a roller coaster.

Think I’m crazy? Where am I going with this?

For me, when it comes to dating and relationships, if my mind, body and emotions aren’t being thrown around like a rag doll… I move on to the next ride.

I said hands up, Snooki!

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Posted on Dec 06, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — 1 comment

Nikki CoXXX Says: Why So Serious?

When you go to a funeral, you most likely get hit with a case of the water works, giving Niagra Falls a run for its money. When you get into a fight with someone, you sometimes wonder if it would be THAT BAD if you choked them out with one of the many extension cords running up your electric bill this holiday season. After an orgasm… you laugh. One of these three analogies DOESN’T belong. Think about it… I’ll wait.

Do I look like a clown to you!?

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Posted on Nov 30, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: You + I = We?!

I HATE titles… and maybe part of the reason is because I have commitment issues. (This coming from the girl that has a hard time picking out her socks… EVERYDAY). But, on a somewhat more serious note, titles fuck everything up. Once a, “You” and an “I” fornicate, a WE is born, and unlike babies that constantly need their diapers changed, WE is constantly introduced to new rules. This list of new rules is so long, that if someone sent it to the North Pole, Santa would check himself into a Psych Ward. My head is spinning, I feel like a caged animal…. someone hand me a baby… and a martini, stat!


Call me a, “Bitter Betty,” because I no longer view relationships as two people running through a field on a warm Spring afternoon, breaking to feed My Little Pony and Friends. However, call me a realist to know that NO relationship is that pleasant ALL OF THE TIME. Hmm, maybe if you’re on Ecstasy ALL OF THE TIME they are… but then again, once the illusion of pure bliss fades away… along with your brain cells… you are left dumbfounded.

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Posted on Nov 15, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: Inanimate Objects That You Should Be Putting By/in Your Vagina: Part III

Unlike EVERY movie trilogy, I know not to push my luck after the third installment of a series (Scream 4, I’m talking to you). With that being said, if you’re vagina is still intact after getting more service than an overcrowded parking garage in Manhattan these past few weeks; I want to leave you with one last suggestion. Before I continue, please make sure you have a phone is arms reach, this one could send you to the hospital.

These aint your momma’s shot glasses….

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Posted on Nov 08, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: Inanimate Objects That You SHOULD Be Putting By/In Your Vagina: Part II

I remember a few years back, hearing horror stories from my cousin’s friend who is a physicians assistant, about… err… certain objects getting stuck up a womens vagina’s. Cell phones, cucumbers, electric tooth brushes, tampons… pretty much anything that resembles/imitates the stimulation of a penis. This flashback engulfed my brain when a friend of mine told me about her sexual encounter with a banana. And no, she wasn’t using it to practice her blow job technique.

‘Clean up on isle 7…

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Posted on Nov 01, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says, Pervertable — 1 comment

Nikki CoXXX Says: Inanimate Objects That You SHOULD Be Putting By/In Your Vagina: Part I

It amazes me that so many women are still afraid to masturbate because they think it’s, “dirty” and/or “unladylike.”  In most cases, these are the girls that use the, “Getting Drunk,” excuse so it’s, “socially acceptable,” for guys to grope them in public.  Well, bar sluts and tight asses alike… loosen up, because if you don’t learn about what your pussy likes, no man will ever be able to crack the code.  Before you have a panic attack, you don’t even have to use a dildo, vibrator or some crazy sex toy that should come with a 100+ page instruction manual. The key to a, “Floating On Cloud 9,” orgasm can be reached with every day house hold items that do in fact serve a better purpose than what they were originally invented for.

The OctoPUSSY of all orgasms… get it? it looks like an octopus, and octopus’ live in the ocean… oh, forget it…

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Posted on Oct 25, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: The Waiting Game Sucks

I hate dating. I feel that that timing is everything, and to be quite honest… timing must have her period 24/7/365, because she’s a bitch. I’ve spent years twiddling my thumbs waiting for “Mr. Right,” to realize how awesome I really am, and because of that, I regressed back to bad habits of my youth. I morphed back into that naive and vulnerable teenager that believed love is a Disney fairytale. (By the way, fuck you Disney, everyone of your movies left me in tears by the end). Now that I’ve gotten over acting like a damsel in distress, I’ve moved onto the Bitter Betty portion of my life.

I can’t care anymore,  I can’t realize when a smart, funny, good looking guy that meets all of my requirements on the, “Boyfriend Checklist,” is standing right in front of me. Now I’m the asshole that’s holding back and playing hard to get. But I’m not playing this cat and mouse game because mind fucking the shit out of someone gets me off before bed every night. I’ve come to realize that if one or more aspects of your life isn’t fitting in with the rest of the puzzle, you can’t push or force yourself to be in the right state of mind to allow someone else into your own personal shit show. Did I mention that I HATE dating?

So excuse me while I vomit the next time someone says, “When you meet someone that is worth more than a five minute conversation, you’ll be married and pregnant within two years.” Timing. Is. Everything.

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Posted on Oct 18, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — 1 comment

Nikki CoXXX Says: Why I Won’t Have Sex With My Guy Friends.

God love my parents. I mean, these are the people that conceived me, diapered my ass and watched me evolve from an uncontrollable brat, into the mature, responsible 24 year old woman that I am today. However, they did drop the ball when I was 13 years old. But, I guess dragging me by my hair to my four year jail sentence was payback for terrorizing their lives. Are you ready for the 5 words that still make my skin crawl? All. Girl. Catholic. High. School. (Guys, control your boners, the experience was NOTHING like what you see in the movies). Regardless, if there is anything positive I can share from this experience, it would be the following:
- anyone with a dick doesn’t have the right to preach about abortions.
- I have no respect for 95% of the female population.

With that being said. I love my guy friends. Enough so, that I could never think about having sex with any of them. (Ok, I lied, the thought has crossed my mind, but hey, an active mind is a healthy mind).

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Posted on Oct 11, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: Can Women Have Sex Like A Man… When A Man Acts Like A Woman?

Just like men, women have needs, so it should come as no surprise that in between the search to find a suitable man to help aid in the reproduction of life… we want to get laid, with no strings attached. (Or, so we think).

Nobel Prize winner Doris Lessing writes on the subject of sexual freedom in her book “The Golden Notebook.” Though it was written in the early 1960s, Lessing’s complaint describes a dilemma that many women still face in the new millennium: You may be free to pursue sex like men, but the deeper pleasures require some level of emotional attachment. In biological terms, the female orgasm releases a burst of oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone. It’s what makes you feel warm and fuzzy and what facilitates a sense of attachment. Source

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Posted on Oct 04, 2010 by — Nikki CoXXX Says — Comments Off

Nikki CoXXX Says: Squeaky Lovin’

Back in 1993, Taro Gomi had to re-inform the world that everyone er… has gotta go from time to time with the book, Everybody Poops. I get it, it’s a children’s book, but isn’t this subject matter an unwritten understanding? 99.9% of people will agree that the, “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” policy applies to farting as well… especially in the bedroom. But come on, we all know what happens when you mix beer and Mexican food.

Personally, that shit doesn’t bother me. (No pun intended). Maybe I’m immune to the deadly scents, and squeaky noises because I have an older brother. But, for the females that don’t have, “home field advantage,” I can SORTA understand why the smell of burning cheese would send you running for the hills.

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