Dear Jane,<– You can ask me anything you want, totally anonymously, click the link!
My wife and I have been poly as long as we’ve been together. She wants us to go mono but I cant. How can I explain in a way she will understand I don’t know how to change this part of me?
You’ll have to tell her, just like that. You love her dearly, but being poly is a part of you she loved in the beginning and if she wants to be with you still, she’ll have to accept. Just like all the things that make her, her, that you accept with the package.
There is a lot of talk around poly relationships and that they are just a phase, that they don’t work long term.
This is true for the majority of people. There is a reason why Poly and Swinging is a sub-culture and not commonplace. Most don’t have the heart or skills to make it work long term. Jealousy gets in the way and the “shiny” effect that new relationships have on a previous or primary one doesn’t help subdue it.
But there are other who make Poly work wonderfully.
For those who are truly Poly, life is just as hard filling the gaps of lost lovers, because the hardest thing to do is let someone go who isn’t fit for the lifestyle… despite how hard they loved it and tried it at one point in their life. You’ll meet more like her, or, you’ll meet her in the middle somehow.
Talk to her about it, find out why she wants to go Mono. Does she want to settle down, is it time for kids and she doesn’t think she can being Poly? Good ol’ religious guilt eating at her? After a few years of Mono, I’ve heard people reminisce and miss being Poly as well. Maybe this is a phase you can pass through together.
Poly isn’t just about sex, sex is the easy part of it all. The relationships, making time, etc… it is hard work.
As you know, communication is key to make any relationship work, especially a Poly relationship. Have a dialogue with her, get to the root of the issue. There isn’t an off switch she just hit suddenly… there must be a reason why. Find it, and work through it. If in the end you have to let one another go, don’t let it get ugly. What you had was beautiful, it was just time to let her go so she can fulfill her other hopes and dreams in life. Be happy that you both found each other when you did so you can open each other up to different life experiences.
No matter which way it goes, good luck. I know these conversations aren’t easy to have.