Dear Jane: How Do I Be Submissive? - Our momma didn't raise no fool, we've been taught to stand out, be proud, don't sell ourselves short and "be a man"...and not to hit women. What you're forgetting is that the submissive HAS the power, not the Dominant in a Power Exchange.

Dear Jane, <– Click here to ask me a question anonymously!

Why is it so hard sometimes to get past one’s ego and pride and fully commit to being submissive? Think I worded that right.

I think I understand what you’re asking.  You want to know how to get past how you assert yourself in the “real world” so you can let go in your “play world”.

Our momma didn’t raise no fool, we’ve been taught to stand out, be proud, don’t sell ourselves short and “be a man”.  Be a proud confident, doesn’t take your shit, woman.  Be the lion, not the lamb.  We were taught to go for the gold, never back down, be up for a challenge and not to hit women.

What you’re forgetting is that the submissive HAS the power, not the Dominant in a  Power Exchange.

Letting go comes with practice and trust.  To help, you can talk about it with your partner (whether you’re dating them, a fuck buddy, or a play partner).  Set up things you want to do… and then do them or have them done to you.  Then afterwards, have a debriefing session to talk about how to make it better or more comfortable (aka After Care).  It’ll help you know what’s coming and allow you to believe you set it up.  After  a few sessions like this, you’ll trust your partner more to wing it.

They’ll know what you like and how you react to what they’re doing or saying… and you’ll be able to let go more.  Establish a safe word and then it should be game on.

Submissive, in this sense, doesn’t mean weak.  It also doesn’t mean “follower” or  incapable.  You should be proud that you can let go and enjoy yourself.  Being a submissive is indulgent I feel.  You rule your world by day (even if you don’t), and you rule it by night.

True submissives are usually great organizers, wonderful people, and not any different from any other person on the street.  Submissive-Submissives are the ones who give “us” a bad name.  They’re the weak minded, weak people who don’t think they can do anything.  They’re malleable, in danger, easy prey, and need help, not BDSM.

Being taken into subspace and being able to drift around in your senses is quite amazing… it is like flying without the fear of dying.  Putting your ego in the back seat can be an adjustment, but it is worth it.  Dominants experience a similar euphoric state, but it isn’t the same from what I know.

You have the power to let go all of the bullshit in your life for a few hours and take mini vacations from making decisions and worrying.  I know being naked in front of someone else and being told to do things is quite an adjustment when your brain is saying “Hey, wait a minute, this is a bit humiliating, stop!” But that is partly because of the “shame” we’re also taught.

We’ve learned anything “not normal” or “deviant” is wrong.  Sex is dirty. You were taught to be better than this.  Guess what? There is nothing wrong with you, and shaming is wrong and a little humiliation is exciting, humbling and fun.  Tell your brain to shush and jump… you’ll be happier. I promise.

<3 Jane