Dear Jane: I Just Found Out That My Boyfriend Has a Submissive Kink/Fetish - Bondage, being restrained can be an incredible bonding experience, as can domination. What he also told you without saying it, is that he trusts you... a lot!

Dear Jane, <— Ask me your own questions anonymously!

I just found out that my boyfriend has a submissive kink/fetish.  As we talked about it, he mentioned he liked being tied up and dominated.  It terrified me.  I don’t know what my kinks/fetishes are, but I don’t think I am into safety words and such.  I haven’t done “it” nor do I really watch porn (dunno why, just never appealed to me.)  I know, total prude, right?

So how do I deal with this and embrace my own sexuality without getting flustered or uncomfortable?

I do like my boyfriend but this recent confession has my mind reeling.  Help?

Signed, Bewildered in Bed.

Dear Bewildered,

First, keep talking.

There are many facets to BDSM. When people (like you) hear “tied up and dominated” you think the worst, and because he might not have the vocabulary/vernacular to ease you into it, I don’t know how much he told you other than that. Thus adding to your shock.

Bondage, being restrained can be an incredible bonding experience, as can domination. What he also told you without saying it, is that he trusts you… a lot!  He might have had this fantasy for some time now, and he trusts you enough to tell you.
Ask him if he wants to be tied down and teased as if he is just a tool to your pleasure. Maybe he wants you to be more aggressive and verbal (ie. “You’re just a cock to me, the rest of you is worthless” etc) and really get into his inability to protect himself or stop your manipulations.

Oh, remember that time he was late, kept YOU waiting and you were late to that thing you wanted to do? Take it out on him in the bedroom. Tie him up again, and pull his hair a bit, make him clench his teeth and apologize, and promise it’ll never happen again.  If he promises to be a good boy and is truly sorry, reward him by sitting on his face.  Don’t get him off though – after all he did fuck up!

None of that requires safety words, just a little communication on what gets him going.  You never know, it might bring out a side you never knew existed. The power exchange is a special magical feeling.

Most importantly though… Talk to him. Let him describe a few little fantasies, maybe you have a couple in common and not know it.  Let your curiosity rule over your apprehension, treat it like a sexy science experiment.

Hope I helped, if not, feel free to write back!
<3 Jane