Fucking cliché sayings will get ya every time. I still don’t want to just say it… but… here goes… Breaking up is hard to do. But let’s admit it, it really sucks to be dumped.
This is a list of 10 Break Up Rules to help you through it. It has come to me from personal experience, being a support beam for friends, write-ins, and a good ol ‘ reach out on Twitter to see if I missed anything!
1. Stay away from the Radio; TV, and your MP3 device. It is out to get you. Every show and song will mean something to you somehow and if it doesn’t you – will make a comparison and make it work. A friend of mine once made the song “Whoomp There It Is” a play by play of her break-up. To this day, I’m not quite sure how she did it… but if she did… you will too.
2. Get rid of the “Memory Box”. Movie ticket stubs, Valentine cards, even that time he took you to Raceway Park and you hated it but kept the free car sticker you got at the door. It is actually best to make a point to remember how you destroyed it. Keep the visual strong in your head, they broke your heart… you threw them out, burned them, expunged them from your life.
3. Give back ALL of their stuff immediately, pawn the jewelry if you got any. Don’t keep a single shirt, or knick-knack. Throw out their toothbrush (only after you wipe it in the toilet of course), if you had a “drawer” in your place for them… get it all out. OUT! Fill it with your stuff. You already have an empty heart, no need to let your closet be empty too. TAKE BACK the space.
4. Remove temptation. Delete them. Delete their friends. Delete everything! Facebook, cellphone, etc. You know you’re going to get curious and check up on them and you’ll feel even worse. Every emoticon and LOL will mock you. Delete them.
Go ahead you little fucker, keep smiling… *sobs*
5. Mourn. Yep. After you’ve done all of that. Mourn. It did happen, ya can’t ignore that. If you don’t let yourself be upset for at least a whole day you’ll get stuck in a funk limbo (try not to exceed a week or two, they’re done thinking about you, don’t wallow too long, they aren’t). This is an important step. Get angry too. Break something, it is even better if that something is their’s. I once bought a bunch of cheap plates from the $5 store, and smashed them… I can’t begin to tell you how awesome it felt. I did have to clean up the yard after I did it, and I looked like a crazy person, but it was amazing.
6. Your friends mean well; but ask them to keep their “I told you so’s” to a minimum. THAT ISN’T SUPPORT! Also, friends, stop saying there are “other fish in the sea”, “you are too good for _____”, “lets get sloppy d r u n k!” and all of those other “helpful” things. Do you really want your friend to feel lost at sea, not good enough for anyone, AND throw up? With friends like you, who need exes?
Just BE THERE for your heartbroken friends. Get them out of the house, let them talk it out. I know you’re sick of the complaining and you’re glad it is over… but… your friend is hurting, respect them. If your life isn’t 100% awesome, don’t give them life advice either, because your heartbroken friend wont listen.
7. Behave badly. If you’re on a diet, skip a day and treat yourself. Skip the gym for a day. Blah blah blah, endorphins and eating right will make you feel better. Yeah, I know, it is a proven fact and it has helped me. But it is impossible to be heartbroken and get a good enough workout to feel the euphoria anyway. Your head just isn’t there, and you’ll be thinking of that Twix, and couching out the whole time anyway. Sure, you’ll feel like an asshole for breaking your diet, but when you hit the gym next time, you’ll be even more ready to show the world (and the elliptical) what you’re made of.
8. Don’t back pedal. Oh, they made a mistake? They want you back? It only means their plans didn’t work out and they know you’re heartbroken and will take them back. Truth is, the trust is broken. It’ll never be back. Let them go. They’ll be angry at you; it is because they’re used to getting what they want from you and now they aren’t. Do you want to spend your relationship waiting for the other shoe to fall? No. Move on. No “friends with benefits” the emotional baggage will kill you in the end.
9. Speaking of moving on, you should actually do it. It isn’t always the best advice, but you should get back out there and spend time with someone. Surround yourself with good people. Once you’re single, people who are crushing on you pop up. They want you, and it is good to feel wanted. This is where you can take the popular advice “The best way to get over someone, is to get on top of someone else”. If this is good advice for you, take it. It will make you feel stupid that you allowed yourself to feel unwanted for a month. The empowerment, the ego boost is a good thing. I’m not saying to buy a Costco pack of condoms, or to “use people, because you feel used” but it is ok to break loose and have fun. When was the last time you had fun?
10. Don’t think about these tips, just do them. I know how shitty you feel, and I’m just another friend offering advice you don’t want to hear right now, but you will feel better. It may not be immediately, it will take time, but you will feel like your old self again much faster. I promise.
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