Car sex. We have all done it, for the most part, we have engaged in this back breaking past time during our teen years.
You know, when having sex at home seemed like an unattainable idea. Plus your part time job at McDonald’s wasn’t enough of a paycheck to pay for hourly rates at a rat invested motel. We may no longer be spring chickens, but when the urge calls, we can still fuck like rabbits, scrunched up in the back seat of the car. However, there are a few situations you might come across, and say to yourself, “I’m getting to old for this shit.”
Car Sex. Get it?
1. When You Are Drunk – Don’t get me wrong, drunk sex can be mind blowing, because when you’re drunk, you let all your inhibitions fly out the window… sometimes, along with your clothes. But, then there are times when you leave a house party after eating a whole tray of jello shots. In between the animal like groaning and balls smacking up against your ass, for some ridiculous reason, you are lead to believe that one of your coworkers is video taping your romp from the bushes. If you have ever found yourself in this position, speed up the process by faking an orgasm, and hope to God that was really vodka mixed in with the jello.
2. When The Car Appears To Be Smaller Than His Penis – Car sex is anything but romantic. I mean, let’s be realistic, at this point you might as well be fucking on your parent’s bed. However, both parties should be as comfortable as possible. I am a fan of sex. I am a fan of doggie style. But, I am not a fan of doggy style, in the back seat of a car, with my head hanging outside of the window because there isn’t enough room. At least on the plus side, I can say I gave new meaning to doggie style sex.
3. When You Just Ran 6.1 miles, busted your knee, and Inhaled McDonald’s and Roll n’ Roaster in an 8 Hour Time Span – I’m a girl, and just like any other girl, I have insecurities. (Especially after eating about a weeks worth of calories in one day. Can we say bloated)? I’m not a fan of being on top sex to begin with. But when you’re on top, and the knee that you fell on a week prior to running your first 10k is repeatedly banging into the glove compartment, it is best to show off your yoga skills by swinging your legs over your head, and letting him do all the work.
4. When Other People Are In The Car… and It’s Not Your Car To Begin With – I know this sounds ridiculous, but apparently the new trend is to have sex in the the back seat of your friend’s car… while your friend is driving. I get it, sex is the bedroom can get routine after a while, so taking your business elsewhere is definitely the way to go if you’re looking to spice things up. However, this is… weird. For the person driving, it has to be like watching a porno that you know you’ll never get off to. Would you honestly expect the driver not to watch this train wreck waiting to happen? And for the people having sex. Why not invite your buddy to the backseat for a threesome at this point? Please, keep your bodily fluids out off the seats of other people’s cars.
5. When The Seats Aren’t Leather – This brings me to my last no no. Leather seats might be a pain in the ass when it comes to the climate changes. Too hot, you get an instant sunburn from the moment you sit down, and when it’s too cold, icicles might just form on private parts. But, when it comes to after sex clean ups, leather is the way to go. My Corolla, (Sparkles), has taken many beatings over the years due to cum stains. You can never just wipe it up, because the split second after cum lands on cloth material, it dries up, and you literally have to pick it off the seat. However, whoever is the next person to sit in the spot I had sex in, I can’t help but to think to myself and laugh, “Haha, my bare ass was there less than 24 hours ago.”
The only advice that I can really leave off with is, if you have no luck with car sex, and you just can’t seem to give it up. Call up Enterprise and rent a minivan.
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