I became a total fanboy for Scott Pilgrim because of it’s awesomeness. It combines everything I love about videogames, music, and movies. I’ve seen this thing four times, and would have gone one more time but it’s gone from most theatres now because of: A) Micheal Cera Hate; B) Trailer Looked Dumb; C) I don’t get it so I won’t go see it; and D) All of the Above. The answer is D). Thankfully since the target market is people like me, I’m sure the movie is widely available for illegally downloading. Not that I would do that kind of thing and you shouldn’t either!
The good news about the movie doing so poorly is that we will see it brought to DVD quickly. Did I mention I am obsessed with this movie? I’m putting together a Scott Pilgrim cosplay for NYC Comic Con and for Halloween. I’m also taking a Scott Pilgrimage to Toronto sometime in late October. But enough about my unhealthy obsession; here is your FMK for Scott Pilgrim.
Women:
First up: Knives Chau
What could be wrong with a 17 year old Asian school girl? I feel bad for Knives because Scott Pilgrim is kind of a dick to her, sure he isn’t in love with her, and she is pretty much asexual, but she does get tossed aside. And then you stop feeling bad because she becomes an obsessed stalker willing to do anything to win Scott back. But for what? He parents would them together, she’s going to go to college, and I think I mentioned sexually devoid. I would have to kill Knives.
Next: Kim Pine
Smoking hot-red head drummer, freckles and all? +500 awesome points. Soul-crushing dry sarcastic wit? +1,000 awesome points. Kim brings a good sense of seriousness to an otherwise lazy slacker group of friends. She would be the rock that holds everything together. I’m not sure whether I would fuck her or marry her. I’m leaning towards marriage, but the next girl makes things very complicated…
Finally: Ramona Flowers
Wow. This girl makes me speechless. Deaf and dumb even. Tongue lolling out of my mouth. And while Mary Elizabeth Winstead is attractive, her Ramona Flowers just puts things to a whole new level. Her changing hair, her fashion, her attitude, her sexuality and bisexuality, and the adorable faces she makes. I am totally in lesbians with Ramona Flowers. She can also travel through subspace. She tends to run and disappear from her problems, and is a former bitch with 7 evil exes. She also had a younger brother who died and she wears his shoelace around her neck. So Ramona comes with a lot of baggage. I’m torn between either loving her forever despite all the heartache and the possibility she would just get bored & leave me for wherever the road takes her one day, or fucking the shit out of her every available moment until her eyes roll up in the back of her head and she collapses from the multiple orgasmic ecstasy.
Honorable mention: Envy Adams, Scott’s hot, more talented, ex girlfriend that kicked his heart into his ass.
Men:
Stephen Stills: The Talent
Frontman of the Sex Bob-ombs, Steve is arguably the most talented of the bunch, but has a tendency to be as whiny and meek as Scott, except for when he is playing on stage in his element. Music is his life, and Stills would have no problem selling out for a contract.
Gideon Graves the G-Man
Wow what a douchebag, but hey some people are attracted to that I guess. Jason Schwartzman plays such a good indie-rock producer hipster asshole, you can’t help but want to see him get his ass beat and feel sick when he has Ramona under his thumb. He cares nothing for anyone but himself and looking chic, and is rich, cunning and powerful. He’s the one who makes Scott’s pursuit of Ramona so difficult – Gideon gets all the evil exes together to defeat Scott and is the final evil ex.
Scott Pilgrim: Age 23 years old. Rating: Awesome
Contrary to every other role Micheal Cera has ever played, Scott Pilgrim is kinda a dick. He cheats on his fake-high school girlfriend Knives when Ramona and him start dating and getting intimate. (This is after one date, those sluts!) In all fairness Ramona is literally the girl of his dreams, and he sees a future with her. A future with jetpacks. Scott is also willing to fight for Ramona and defeat her seven evil exes, and eventually realizes he would do anything to be with Ramona despite the mortal peril of dating her.
Honorable mention: Wallace Wells. Scott’s gay roommate, played by Kieran Culkin, steals every scene he is in.
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